by Jamie Arpin-Ricci

As I stepped off the stage after giving my keynote message to modest applause, I glanced over my notes to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. It was the first time I had spoken to an audience that was primarily other 2SLGBTQIA+ folks and I wanted it to go perfectly. These were the people I identified with and it was a dream to have had the chance to address them.

A few people came over to thank me and ask questions, including a young gay man I recognized as a workshop facilitator for the weekend. We made small talk for a while, but then he paused, nodding to himself. “So, you’re bisexual?” he asked. Yes, I said uncertainly, not sure about why he would ask as being a bisexual man married to a straight woman featured centrally in my talk. He nodded to himself again, then said casually and not unkindly: “I don’t really think bisexuality is a thing. You just have to get to the place where you can accept yourself for the gay man you are.” We were interrupted by others before I could respond and we never had the chance to speak again, but that experience has stayed with me ever since.

Over the years of working as an advocate for the wider 2SLGBTQIA+ community, and the bisexual community in particular, I have seen time and again this kind of misinformation, disinformation, and outright ignorance about what it means to be bisexual. And sadly, much of the biphobia and bi-erasure I’ve seen has come from the queer community. Of all the issues I have faced and questions I’ve been asked, the one that is one of the most common and certainly the most divisive has been this:

“Don’t bisexual people in straight-presenting relationships have access to and benefit from straight privilege?”

The “Question”

Interestingly, when this question is raised, the questioner often quickly provides their answer as well- generally an unhesitant “yes”, even from many bisexual people. There is little discussion and even less in the way of evidence or support for their position, but for many, it is as an assumed “truth” as any other.

On the surface, it isn’t surprising people think that way. For example, when I am seen with my wife, I am most often assumed to be straight and treated accordingly. As a result, I am less likely to face certain forms of overt discrimination based on being seen with my partner. I am less likely to experience certain forms of discrimination at work or in pursuit of housing. Our marriage is legally recognized throughout the world, along with the rights that accompany such a recognized relationship. From that narrow perspective, one might come to the narrow conclusion that I have access to the benefits of straight privilege.

What it doesn’t account for, however, is that I am only safe from overt discrimination if I remain “in the closet”. It doesn’t account for the other forms of discrimination that I face when I do come out, from both straight and queer communities. It doesn’t account for the fact that, again, my job and housing security is dependent on hiding my identity. It doesn’t account for the fact that I have lost jobs for being an out bisexual man in a straight-presenting marriage. And while my marriage is legally recognized, it is socially denigrated, ridiculed, and suspect. So perhaps we need to address the faulty assumptions at the foundation of this problematic belief.

What Is Privilege?

Critical to understanding this is having a clear understanding of what we mean by “privilege”. It is also critical to recognize that not all advantages come without a heavy price tag, making it difficult for them to constitute privilege. To understand this better, let’s start with this definition of “privilege”:

“Privilege is unearned access or advantages granted to specific groups of people because of their membership in a social group. Privilege can be based on a variety of social identities such as race, gender, religion, socioeconomic status, ability status, sexuality, age, education level and more.

“Privilege can be experienced on personal, interpersonal and institutional levels. The social, economic, political and psychological unearned advantages that privileged groups hold come at the expense of marginalized groups.”

What does it mean to have “unearned access or advantages”? Any access or advantage we (bisexuals) might have is contingent on the aspect of our true identities being hidden, misperceived, and/or entirely erased. The impact is that those contingencies exact a serious price on bisexual individuals’ health and safety. When any of the advantages are dependent on the presence of a straight partner, they are only experienced vicariously based upon proximity to someone else’s privilege. Even when both partners are bisexual (or when neither is straight and/or cisgender), the advantages require self-denial and erasure, factors that are measurably harming the bisexual community.

The implications run deep. As friend and bisexual activist & writer, Misty Gedlinske adds: “In my case, there’s also a patriarchy angle. I lose my identity, in terms of my name AND my orientation, under the ‘cover’ of my husband.” For myself, despite being married for decades and being actively engaged in bisexual advocacy for much of that time, it only recently occurred to me how heterosexist (even hetero-supremacist) it is that people, when describing my marriage, default to “straight relationship”. This perspective inherently prioritizes heterosexual norms and further marginalizes bisexual identities by erasing them.

The so-called advantages and protections are contingent on the very dynamics that are suppressing and erasing bisexual people. Any so-called advantage that requires the erasure of our bisexual identity is no advantage at all, let alone a privilege.

Membership In Privileged Group

Our definition of “privilege” points out that access and advantages are based on “membership in a social group”- in this case, perceived straightness. Here, again, we see a discrepancy, as bisexual individuals in straight-presenting relationships experience tenuous and conditional acceptance based on false and harmful assumptions that erase and suppress our true identity, all while exacting a measurably harmful impact on our mental health and safety. In actual fact, we quite often face discrimination and/or exclusion from both the straight community and the queer community.

And this says nothing of the fact that most of us do not want to be perceived as being straight. We do not want to be seen as members of a group that does not represent us and, far too often, does not support or even want us. Most bisexuals who do seek to be seen as a member of the straight community do so out of fear, shame, and/or internalized biphobia- again, dynamics that are wildly unjust and unhealthy. Therefore, “membership in a social group” is not genuinely experienced by bisexual individuals in straight-presenting relationships.

Advantages At A Price

Finally, there is the critical claim that we benefit from “unearned advantages that privileged groups hold…” which “…come at the expense of marginalized groups”. In other words, said privilege is tied explicitly to systemic and interpersonal disadvantages suffered by marginalized groups. So while bisexual folks in straight-presenting relationships may experience some situational advantages, they are not only conditional and tenuous, but they again come at great expense to the bisexual persons ourselves. And frankly, many of the advantages are assumed and not actually experienced by bisexual individuals.

In other words, the supposed advantages come at our own expense, negating any true privilege in that experience. Even that quick overview based on a fairly standard definition of privilege demonstrates the explicit problems behind the assertion that we have access to straight privilege.

Naming The Causes

What is most frustrating to me is that, while misconceptions persist, it is not because there hasn’t been robust rebuttal and refutation of these claims. The bisexual community (and those who stand in solidarity) have long resisted these damaging claims with very clear evidence as to why they are false and harmful. Perhaps the best example has been the work of feminist bisexual and genderqueer activist, writer, and researcher Shiri Eisner in her 2013 book “Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution”.

Eisner points out that the often unsubstantiated claims of the supposed straight privilege bisexuals have access to seem to be drawn from a similar source:

“All of the texts representing this view, however, seem to stem from the same root as the previous argument: that inasmuch as bisexual experience resembles gay and lesbian experience, bisexuals are oppressed; inasmuch as bisexual experience resembles straight experience, bisexuals have access to privilege. You may notice that both sides of this coin reduce bisexuality to either homosexuality (which results in oppression) or heterosexuality (which results in privilege), repeating the familiar notion that no unique bisexual experience, or oppression, exists.” (chapter 3, page 97)

She goes on to examine the origins of the claims themselves- how they came to be and why. At the core of the issue was how deeply the assumptions were rooted in monosexism. Since basic understanding of monosexism is startlingly poor, especially within much of the queer community (mostly among those identities that are monosexual but even among some bi/pan folks), let’s take a moment to provide a basic introduction before moving forward.

Monosexism is the (conscious or unconscious) belief and systematic privileging of monosexuality (attraction to a single gender) as normative and even superior. It is often coupled with oppressive treatment of non-monosexual orientations like bisexuality, pansexuality, or omnisexuality through means ranging from passive erasure to overt discrimination. Monosexism undergirds many societal biases within both the straight and queer communities that invalidate or overlook multi-gender attractions, reinforcing exclusivity and preferential access to acceptance. In a context where monosexuality is centered, monosexual privilege emerges, offering unearned access/advantages to those with membership in that group.

One of the many ways this plays out, for example, is by using monosexuality as the normative standard by which other experiences of queerness are measured and evaluated (as Eisner noted in the quote above). The sad irony of this tendency is that it betrays a deeper truth that gay and lesbian folks gained some of their “equality” by leveraging the thing they had in common with straight folks- their monosexuality- rather than claiming liberation over, against, and in spite of cisgender-heteronormative oppression. It should not be lost on us that gay and lesbian couples, while warning about “bisexual privilege”, themselves share monosexual privilege with straight couples (which is in no way mitigates the real oppression they face in other ways).

So, by exposing the underlying foundations and assumptions on which the idea of bisexual access to straight privilege was created, Eisner demonstrates the false and shallow premise on which the ideas are based. After all, if those claims were accurate, that privilege would be played out in the lived experience of bisexual people in demonstrable ways, as it does in the lives of other privileged groups. The evidence, however, points in the exact opposite direction.

Bisexual people represent the largest portion of the wider queer community, yet fail to achieve a fraction of the robust representation in most spheres, from pop culture to research funding to community support. Bisexual women wrestle with mood and anxiety disorders at rates up to 15% higher than lesbians and nearly 30% higher than straight women. The risk of suicide among bisexual individuals is between 10% to 15% higher than their gay/lesbian counterparts, and 30% to 35% higher than straight individuals. Bisexual folks live with alcohol and other substance use at higher rates than gay, lesbian, and straight folks. And these are just a handful of statistics among many that follow this same pattern. (source)

Given these facts, if bisexual people face demonstrably higher risks in so many aspects of life, health, and safety, how can these claims of privilege persist? Again, it is because they are all too often claims made without explanation or evidence, born out of (often wilful) ignorance and monosexism. In no way am I trying to pit our suffering against that of others. The reason we must go to these statistics is to refute the explicit claims of privilege. This is why Eisner calls for a more nuanced, informed, and accurate understanding of bisexuality that acknowledges the power dynamics at play in society, and specifically within the queer community, that contribute to this persistent oppression of bisexual people.

My Own Experience

My own experience bears this out. When I first came out as bisexual, I was holding to “traditional” Christian beliefs, refusing to embrace an affirming position for myself or overall. Despite my adherence to “the rules” of my religious community and being in a straight-presenting relationship, the impact on how I was treated was immediate and harmful. My advancement in the organization I worked with was clearly slowed, with several people making unambiguous and explicit comments about the “risk” I presented. Colleagues would subject me and my wife to wildly inappropriate comments and questions about our sex lives while making degrading and insulting assumptions about the nature of our relationship.

When I did go public as being both proudly queer and fully 2SLGBTQIA+ affirming, the attacks became explicit, with previous dynamics heightening exponentially. We received threats of violence, vandalism, campaigns to undermine our employment, death threats, secret efforts to severe our connection to our church, our denomination, and our community. I was publicly named as a threat on par with terrorism. And I cannot count the number of times I’ve been called a groomer and/or pedophile.

While there was support from many in the wider 2SLGBTQIA+ community, I was still subjected to micro-aggressions and bi-erasure on a regular basis, something that persists to this day. The suggestion that I am “not queer enough” is both implicitly and explicitly constant from many queer folks. The impact on me (and my marriage) has been devastating, marking the most difficult years in our lives with respect to mental health. Even recounting these event for this article exacts a price.

The fact that so much of queer culture and community has been formed and dominated by those with monosexual identities, many find it difficult to consider the implications of what challenging those norms might be. (And all of this is very similar to the challenges transgender, non-binary, intersex, and asexual folks are confronted with in the face of cis-normativity. I suspect that is in part why there seems to be stronger solidarity between bi and trans folks at times). The irony is that it is in fact forms of privilege that are sustaining these false narratives, perpetuating the harm, and holding back the needed change.

The supposed advantages and “privilege” bisexual people might seem to have in straight-presenting relationships are contingent on the dynamics that suppress and erase our identities- our full personhood. Any advantage that requires the erasure of our bisexual identity is no advantage at all, let alone a privilege. Only by addressing and dismantling monosexism, can we begin to confront the misconceptions that suggest bisexuals benefit from straight privilege and recognize the unique challenges faced by the bisexual community.

Not only is this hard work necessary for the equality and diversity of our community, but it will also serve to strengthen it. By facing these issues head-on, we can build a more inclusive and supportive community, ensuring that every member, regardless of their specific identity, is seen, respected, and valued. Together, we can overcome the biases that have divided us and work towards a future where all 2SLGBTQIA+ individuals- all people- can thrive.

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