For many 2SLGBTQIA+ folks, coming out to our parents is understandably one of the hardest things to do. I cannot count the number of people who have said to me that all they want is the unconditional love and support (and hugs!) of their mama. Liz Dyer is just such a mama- a woman who has rallied countless others to that very end.

In 2014, Liz Dyer had a vision: to create a space where moms of LGBTQ+ kids could connect, find support, and ultimately help make the world a kinder, safer place for their children and all LGBTQ+ people. What began as a simple dream—a private Facebook group—has grown into the powerful movement that is Mama Bears. Through this incredible network, Liz and thousands of others are transforming the lives of LGBTQ+ youth and their families, empowering parents to embrace and affirm their children while advocating for a more inclusive world.

I had the privilege of speaking with Liz about her journey, the work of Mama Bears, and how families can play a crucial role in shaping a better future for LGBTQ+ people everywhere.

Jamie Arpin-Ricci: Tell us how you came to be doing what you are with Mama Bears.

Liz Dyer: I have a gay son and after he came out I found a lot of comfort in connecting with other families who had LGBTQ+ kids, so I decided to start a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ+ kids. I had three things in mind when I started the group… I wanted to provide a place where moms of LGBTQ+ kids could find connections, resources, and support. I wanted to help moms of LGBTQ+ kids learn to wholeheartedly support and affirm their LGBTQ+ kids because I knew it would be good for their kids and their family. I wanted to encourage and empower moms of LGBTQ+ kids to work together to make the world a kinder, safer, more inclusive place for all LGBTQ+ people to live and thrive as their authentic selves.

JAR: Why is working with parents and families so important?

LD: Research shows that parents can have a dramatic impact on the health and well-being of their LGBTQ+ children’s lives, both in the present and in the future. Studies reveal that supportive parents improve the wellbeing of LGBTQ+ youth and help protect them from risky behaviors. Some studies have also concluded that having supportive parents increases the likelihood that LGBTQ+ youth will become adults who are more likely to be well-adjusted and lead happier lives. Therefore, I believe that working with parents and helping them become well-educated in regards to supporting and affirming their LGBTQ+ kids is not only good for their kids but is necessary for their LGBTQ+ kids’ overall health and well-being.

JAR: Can you share a particularly impactful story that highlights the importance of the support Mama Bears provides?

LD: I know one Mama Bear who had been estranged from her gay son for several years when she found the Mama Bear community. The obstacle she had faced was that she had been unable to understand that she could be a Christian and also affirm her gay son. We helped her learn that there is no conflict between being a follower of Jesus and wholeheartedly affirming and supporting her gay son. It took a couple of years but over time she was able to demonstrate to her son that although she thought she was doing the right thing, she had learned that she was wrong in condemning his sexual orientation and asking him to change something about himself that was natural and innate. Over time her son began to trust her again, and today they have restored their relationship. The Mama Bears community is very diverse. Some of the Mama Bears come from conservative backgrounds like this mom did, but we have Mama Bears from all kinds of backgrounds. No matter where they are when they join the Mama Bear community, they always seem to learn something important about supporting their children from our community members, and that is what makes our community so valuable—and of course, the connections they have with each other provide a lot of reassurance and comfort because we are living in a time when the world can feel very hostile towards them and their children.

JAR: What have been the most important practices of allyship that you have learned? Why?

LD: There’s a lot of stuff I’ve learned about allyship over the years. I’ll share two things with you.

I would say one of the most important things I’ve learned about allyship is that allyship requires us to remain humble so we can always be learning. I’ve been engaged in supporting the LGBTQ+ community for more than 15 years, and I find myself learning something new all the time. Sometimes it is something I never thought about until I heard someone’s story or read an article. Sometimes it is because what was okay a few years ago is no longer okay. LGBTQ+ people are always learning more about themselves and what they need and want, so we need to always be listening to them and learning from them. LGBTQ+ rights, equality, and inclusion is an ongoing movement, and movements evolve over time.

Another thing I have learned about allyship is that it isn’t easy to be a good ally. If we are a good ally, we will definitely ruffle some feathers and hear about it. One of my friends always says if you claim to be someone’s ally, but aren’t getting hit by the stones thrown at them, you aren’t standing close enough. It can be scary to be a good ally because a good ally can’t be silent, a good ally can’t ignore homophobia and transphobia, they have to speak up. A good ally must confront misinformation and disinformation, and that can be uncomfortable. A good ally might lose friends and family members. And also, being an ally means we will mess up at times, and someone may call us out on that too—that might leave us feeling misunderstood or defensive—but the best thing we can do if we get called out is thank the person for helping us learn from our mistake and commit to doing better going forward. Being a good ally does require thick skin, BUT it’s really important to always keep a soft heart—without a soft heart we might not tap into the love and compassion that our allyship should stay rooted in.

If anyone is interested, I have some more tips for allies listed on the Real Mama Bears website here: https://www.realmamabears.org/tips-for-lgbtq-allies

JAR: What is the current place of growth and learning for you (and the organization)? Where are you being stretched anew?

LD: I am always in a state of learning from the LGBTQ+ community and from the Mama Bears community. In addition to the support groups we offer to parents, we also host and manage 7 programs that serve the LGBTQ+ community. The programs have all grown out of recognizing a need from the LGBTQ+ community combined with the desire of the Mama Bears to get involved in meeting that need. So, I’m always watching, listening, and engaging so I won’t miss the “next thing” we need to be doing. I’m always stretched for time and resources. There are so many needs.

One of the things we are working on now is finding ways to connect with people who are not parents, but have a desire to support and serve the LGBTQ+ community. We started a new program recently called WWW and that stands for do what you can, with what you have, where you are. The program is inspired by the Mama Bears because they seem to do that naturally. We want to inspire others to tap into their own passions, desires, resources, and opportunities and help us change the world because although I sincerely believe that we can change the world, I know it is going to take a whole lot of us to make that happen.

JAR: Can you name 3 resources (books, films, organizations, etc.) that have been critically important for you? Why those?

LD: Blues Babies Pink by B.T. Harmon was really important. B.T. Harman shared his journey of being a gay Christian in the American South through a series of blog posts. The story resonated deeply with me and other parents of LGBTQ+ kids and helped us understand a lot of what our kids go through before they come out to us.

The Transgender Child and The Transgender Teen—both by Stephanie A. Brill—although I don’t have a trans child, I work with thousands of moms who do have trans children, and I know many trans children. These two books helped educate me on what trans children need from the adults in their life.

The Trevor Project is critically important to me. They have helped me understand the needs of LGBTQ+ youth and what LGBTQ+ youth experience, and that has helped me educate other moms of LGBTQ+ kids, which is a big part of my job. I love the work they do and am very grateful that they exist. I’ve heard from parents more than once telling me that they believe The Trevor Project saved their child’s life at some point.

For those interested, we have a wonderful collection of resources on our website. Most of these resources have been recommended by parents of LGBTQ+ kids. Here’s that link: https://www.realmamabears.org/resources

JAR: What future goals or initiatives are you excited about for Mama Bears?

LD: One of the things I am most excited about is the Mama Bears Giving Circle. The Mama Bears Giving Circle is a community of givers who pool their money together to support nonprofits that serve and support the LGBTQ+ community. We started the Mama Bears Giving Circle in March of 2022. Since then, we have given 24 grants and more than $384,000 to organizations that serve and support the LGBTQ+ community. People can give once or monthly. Those who give monthly nominate and vote on the nonprofits that receive our grants. This program exponentially increases the reach that the Mama Bears community has when it comes to supporting the LGBTQ+ community. My hope is that in the near future we will be giving a million dollars every year.

I hope that those reading this will consider joining the Mama Bears Giving Circle. For more info and/or to join, they can use this link: https://www.realmamabears.org/mamabearsgivingcircle1

JAR: Anything else you want to share with us?

LD: I’ll close with this… our organization is named “Real Mama Bears,” and we believe that a Real Mama Bear is a mom of an LGBTQ+ child (no matter what age the child is) who wholeheartedly supports, affirms, and celebrates their LGBTQ+ child. Like most Real Mama Bears, I get up most days asking myself what I can do today to make the world a safer and more inclusive place for my gay son to live and thrive in. And you know what?—most days—if I pay attention—there is an opportunity for me to do something that will make a difference. It might not be big, but in the back of my mind, I know there are more than 40,000 Real Mama Bears who are likely also doing something that same day to make a difference, and knowing that gives me hope and that hope empowers me and encourages me to keep doing whatever I can, no matter how small it is—because I absolutely believe that if a whole bunch of us keep doing what we can, with what we have, where we are to make the world safer and more inclusive for LGBTQ+ people to live and thrive—well, I believe we really can change the world.

JAR: Thank you, Liz.

You can find more about Mama Bears at their website and on Facebook.
You can also find listings of resources by Liz Dyer here.

. . .

Interview by Jamie Arpin-Ricci (he/him), founder of The Rainbow Well
Please sign up for our newsletter here.